Challenges of Cultural Expectations
It’s been more than two years now since COVID where we have been under a rock, so I’m excited to be at a family gathering and spending time with others my age. As soon as we arrive, I see every woman in the kitchen. One is making tea (shahi), another making traditional coffee (boon), the other warming food, another washing dishes, and the list goes on. Ugh, I really don’t want to do any of those things, but I feel guilty sitting amongst the men, who are relaxing and enjoying the festivities.
I put my almost two-year-old down and run after him like the energizer bunny hoping this gives me a valid excuse. I spend enough time serving in my own house. This masquerade doesn’t last long before I’m asked to do something.
A newborn baby is handed to me like a gift. “Return to sender please” is what I want to say. Instead, I hold this newborn as if it’s my own, although I have my own three little ones to look after. Why am I holding this baby again? Oh, yes because I’m a woman who is sitting here and not in the kitchen, right. Where’s her daddy? Who is this child anyway? I sit and rock the baby wondering if I’d prefer washing dishes instead. My little one saves me with his jealous tantrum whereby he tries to pull her off me. “No, stop it” I say. He won’t. He pulls her leg, and I grab his hand. “Honey, stop.” This is probably the first time he's seen me hold a baby other than himself, and he is not having it.
I take the baby to her mother who is busy in the kitchen. I don’t know the mother’s name, so I just explain that my son is getting jealous and keeps hitting her, and I don’t want her baby to get hurt. I hand her over and go back to the living room, but guilt consumes me. Should I be there in the kitchen, maybe I should be making shahi. I don’t even want shahi? Serving drinks? Everyone already has one. Handing out boon? Honesty, I have absolutely no desire to be serving, I’m tired. I just want to enjoy myself, but I’m not enjoying myself. I feel guilty in the living room and annoyed staying in the kitchen. Why can’t these men do more? Are we their servants? I’m sure they do more at home, so why are they sitting there as if they can’t help? I can’t win for losing. Have you ever felt this way?
Cultural expectations and norms are standards that we choose to live by. These standards may be developed from our families, our friends, our environment or our society. Many of these cultural norms are developed at a young age and stay with us for years to come.
What are some of the positive and negative cultural expectations you hold on to? Are they helping or hurting you? I love the richness of my Eritrean heritage. I love the support and community that came with the culture; however, I have developed many negative cultural expectations that are not useful to me and need to be released. For example, a woman’s role in a household is one that I would not mind changing. I recognize that these roles were developed back in Eritrea where men were possibly working hard outside of the home, and women were housewives in charge of managing the home. I further recognize that regardless of gender, some may prefer doing some tasks over others, and that is OK, as well. However, I never understood why changes did not occur when the same women moved to the U.S. where they also worked outside of the home. Why then were they expected to maintain norms that no longer seemed relevant. Why didn’t they demand a more equal distribution of housework, child-rearing or other tasks that became overwhelming? Further, assuming that some of these household tasks were more evenly distributed in their own homes, why then is it that in public, amongst others, women were still perpetuating norms that even they did not maintain at home?
I recognize that my questions are taboo, but I continue to ask them anyway. I do so because I want to provide women the space to ask bold questions that require bold responses. I think it is important to be cognizant of the evolution of cultures and the necessity of change, especially when circumstances change.
Change however brings discomfort. Some may think, “I can just keep this up, what’s the harm?” I argue that your mental health may be at risk. To work a full-time job, do all the cooking and cleaning and child-rearing on your own is simply not sustainable. Stand up for yourself and ask for support when needed. Whether it’s from your partner or by hiring someone, ask the questions that may be uncomfortable but are necessary. Your silence can lead to burnout, exhaustion, an unfulfilling life and other negative effects that are simply not worth it.
Identify your negative cultural expectations, put them in a bag and throw them out. Only then can you move forward and step into your truer and authentic self.
Let’s work together and help this evolution occur. Contact me here.
