The Fear of Failure
I remember working on a case and thinking to myself, “I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m lawyered out. I need a break.” It was the second year of COVID, and I had two little ones and gave birth to my third child a little more than a year before that (also during COVID). I was working from home, doing 10-hour days, 4 days a week for a new job I started about a year before as a Trial Attorney for the federal government. I was learning new areas of the law, adapting to being an employee instead of a full-time law firm owner, picking up and dropping off my eldest son from school, managing our nanny’s schedule, marketing my first self-published book Cactus Fruit and maintaining our home. I had flexible and caring supervisors, but I was still pooped.
My husband and I discussed and decided that it was time to quit my new position and go back to being a business owner to allow me more flexibility and the margin I needed. I also realized I needed a break from practicing law altogether. For the past 12 years I have been a lawyer and although I enjoy my career, working long hours consumed my days to a point that did not allow me the necessary time to unwind, spend more time with my kids, enjoy life, write books and take on new hobbies without feeling like a chicken with her head cut off. Although I loved practicing law, my mind needed a breather, but whether it would be a few months, a year or longer, I wasn't sure. However, I was sure that life was calling, and I wanted to answer. The call I heard led me to create the Balanced Moms Club, LLC and to continue writing in order to help women like me expose their truth and seek a more fulfilling life. Who quits being a lawyer to be a coach and writer? That’s crazy! What will people think of me? How will I make money? What if I fail? Even more so, what if I became a failure?
My fear of failure shakes me to the core. Kobe Bryant put it best when he said,
“I think the greatest fear that we face is ourselves, actually. I think it’s not anything external or anything that’s superficial. I think the greatest fear you face is yourself because we all have dreams and it’s very scary sometimes to accept the dream that you have, and it’s scarier still to say OK I want that… It’s scary because you’re afraid if you put your heart and soul into it, and you fail then how are you going to feel about yourself.”
His words hit me so hard, because as much as I fear judgment from others, my fear of letting myself down is my greatest fear. I sometimes tell my children, “All I care about is that you give it your best.” But here, what if I give it my best and that’s not good enough? What a blow that will be to my ego, pride and sense of self. What will I do? How will I recover?
It sometimes feels like it would be easier to not try, but I wholeheartedly rebuke that thought. It is not easier to not try, but instead feels safer. What price do we pay for that safety? What price are you willing to pay for complacency?
I believe it is critical to make the most out of our time-capped lives. In order to do so, it is necessary to ask big questions of the little things that make you feel happy, energized and alive. It can be as simple as writing a book, painting, working out more or traveling with your family. All I ask is that you pause, sit, feel and listen to your heart’s calling. Answer it and enjoy life a little more each day with mindfulness and intention.
I would love to work with you to help you do this. Feel free to contact me here.
