Mommy Guilt Can Lead to Shame
It was Friday, and Season 2 of Bridgerton was finally out. I was excited to binge watch the whole season, like I did the first. I made a yummy dinner for the family, we ate, I showered, and it was finally time to sit up in bed and indulge. Two episodes in, one of my sons came in to show me something, and I rushed him out. Within 10 minutes, my husband came in to ask me a question. A few minutes after that, another son came asking for a snack. “Ask daddy,” I yelled. This continued throughout the night, and I was annoyed. But, I also felt guilty for not wanting to do any of my “mommy duties.” Even once bedtime came around, all I wanted to do was keep watching. Instead, my husband and I got all three boys ready for bed, and once they fell asleep, I continued to binge watch.
My boys had soccer games early the next day and when I noticed I had a few episodes left, I felt so guilty for wanting to cancel soccer altogether. I felt horrible for spending so many hours watching, but even more horrible for wanting to continue.
Mom guilt is real, and although at times it may be helpful, as a whole, it is not. Prolonged guilt can eventually lead to shame which can have detrimental effects.
What is Guilt and Shame?
Webster’s Dictionary defines guilt as “a feeling of regret or remorse for having committed some improper act” and shame as, “a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming or impropriety.”
In the definition of guilt, the phrase that stands out to me is “improper act”. What makes an act improper? Who decides what is a “proper” act? Generally, these beliefs of what constitute improper and proper actions stem from cultural/societal expectations. However, it is the expectation that is the problem, not the act.
As mothers, we find ourselves using “should” words constantly which derive from these expectations. I “should” be at home with my kids, I “should” be cooking and cleaning, I “should” be making more money, and the list goes on.
Unworthy Mother
Many successful professional moms experience this guilt and shame when it comes to having a career and raising their kids. I think my poem (Un)worthy Mother, from Cactus Fruit explains it well:
I’m not a good enough mother
I’m not going to say that
I have done enough
I’m doing a horrible job
You can’t convince me that
I’m doing the best I can do
I’m not worthy of them
You can’t make me think that
I deserve my children.
(Now re-read from bottom to top)
How many of you have felt this way? Some days you feel like a horrible mother and other days like the best mom ever. It’s a struggle we endure, but we have to let go of these negative cultural/societal expectations that tell us we “should” be a certain way. This internal guilt that you are harboring can lead to shame. The line between the two is razor thin and the door leading to shame is always open. You are an amazing mother, and you are are doing the best you can do. Applaud yourself for all you do instead of what you do not.
Click here to schedule a one-on-one coaching session or here to pre-register for group coaching sessions, and let me help you release your negative expectations.
